Let me begin by saying "ifyou'rereadingthisthanksforhangingintherehere'sacomic" and "joinyourhandsinprayingwhoevermademycomputer
Okay, now for the real shit. Kilroy.
Oh glorious day. I've been waiting years and years for a justifyable reason to hate that anal-spelunker and to think, all this time, all I needed to do was buy a copy of the Daily Express.
For those of you who don't know (lucky bastards), Kilroy is a chat show host in the vein of Oprah or Geraldo. However, where Oprah and co are human, Kilroy is a hellbeast sent from the fires of Hades to burn our souls with his drunken ranting about asylum seekers and injustice against middle-aged white people.
You would think you'd see more of the same on his what I laughingly term 'chat show'. You'd be nearly right. Here's the sequence of events on his show: Kilroy will appear, talk absolute shite about some aspect of current affairs in this country, go into the audience and ask someone for their opinion. Now at this point one of two things will happen:
1) Guest will agree with Kilroy, Kilroy will cut in and finish guest's sentence for them and carry on in the same vein for 30 minutes more.
2) Guest will disagree with Kilroy, Kilroy will cut in, imply said guest is a moron and move on to another guest. This usually leads to (1).
In summary, Kilroy is a tosser. I hate his show and I want him to suffer. However, I never really had a justifyable reason to hate him before.
Until one glorious day sometime in the last week. Apparently an article he wrote trashing Muslims was published in that grubbly little coloured rag, the Express. Predictably, Muslim groups complained, and he was pressured into resigning his position as the host of his show.
More galling for him is the fact that the very same article had appeared in the same paper earlier last year and no-one complained. Even more galling is that he made what could have been good points in a completely insulting and moronic fashion.
This is something he apparently knows. So he comes before us, pleading his miserable case. "I am not a racist!", he cries. "My record will testify to itself... I probably have done more to improve race relations in this country than any other single institution."
Now, my first thought was "my arse", but then I thought, what if he really has? How oculd I hate him then? Thank god for Private Eye magazine, who were able to helpfully collate the best of his do-gooding for my reading pleasure.
Thanks to them, now I know that over the last two years, you'd have been able to see Kilroy give funk to the Scots ("have an inferority complex"), Pakistanis("want to generate hate"), the French ("devious" and "trecherous"), Germans ("truculent"), Africans ("Africa's plight is the fault of Africans"), Blacks in general ("whining" and "talentless"), Russians ("opportunist"), Iraqis ("all they seem to do is moan"), Asylum seekers (Conveniently Miscellaneous Arabs and East Europeans - who should be herded onto boats and pushed in random directions), and Foreigners (everyone else - they spread disease, apparently).
But most of all, he is not down with Arabs. He asks us: "What do they contribute? Can you think of anything? Anything really useful? ...No, nor can I."
Robert Kilroy-Silk of course makes extremely valuable and useful contributions to society. Unfortunately, I can't think of one and neither can anyone I know. Nor can any strangers on the street.
Tell you what I'll do - There's a prize for anyone that can send me an example of one. No, really. Really.